Relationships are a funny thing… more so now than ever before. Fortunately I like funny, so this is not a bad thing for me… but of course I don’t mean it in the ‘haha’ sense but rather in the ‘hmm… how curious…’ way. It just so happens that this one is funny too. In the ‘haha’ way. Am I rambling again…? Whoops, sorry.
It seems in the beginning there is a delicate play between the participants – there could be more than one, you never know….! – the ‘Dropping of the Guard’. This really comes into play in the number of ‘x’s at the end of a message… up and down. Well, today I got upgraded to a ‘two as standard’. I think.
Shit. Things are getting proper serious now. What does this mean? Should I ask her Mum about sending three?? It’s all so confusing and high pressured.
I’m not sure I can cope with this level of commitment. Whatever next?? L……. l….. ll….. lo….. looo…… the ‘L’ word…? Surely not. Fuck that. Shit gets complicated when that gets thrown around.
In fact, while we are on the subject of…. the ‘l’ word…. what does it even mean anymore?? People use it… no wait…. people abuse it. Full stop. I will give you an example of things I love:
- I love playing music
- I love it when a plan comes together
- I love The League of Gentlemen
- I love writing letters
- I love my family
- I love scrambled egg on toast
….See what I mean. We dilute the meaning of love. Love, as word, is empty these days. Most of the time, the significant majority of the time, its use is synonymous with: “I really like…”
Do the world a favor. Stop using that word; that bloody ‘l’ word…. It will put things into perspective. Next time you use it, ask yourself: “What do I really mean when I say this?”
Rather than use a diluted and somewhat empty word, describe what makes you feel as though using that word is appropriate.
Rather than tell someone, show them; use of the word becomes so habitual and empty it is depressing, and it gets reciprocated, just as empty; more a reflex than anything else.
Stop using that word and start proving it. Show your feelings through your actions:
If you love playing music, play more music.
If you love writing, write more; prioritise it.
If you love someone, make them feel loved.
I heard a story about someone in a relationship that does not use this ‘l’ word. Not, unfortunately, for the reasons I have stated, but rather because they do not feel this way. Sad but respectful…. in a strange way. Honest reluctance is surely better than misleading misuse…. right!? I think so. Perhaps they do show through their actions. Perhaps they are just downright confused about what this ‘l’ word actually means….
So yeah, I got upgraded to ‘double eks’ as standard. Although…. come to think of it…. I may have started that…. did I? No….. oh wait. Yes I did. Shit. I think that puts me in the ‘bitch seat’. Fuck.
Dear reader, please note that this is something I started working on quite some time ago. Interestingly, it is becoming relevant again; however, a few things have changed and I will add annotations where needed. It seems like the right time to complete this and put it out there…
Am I suffering writers block or can’t be arsedness?
Or is it more a case of: ‘too-busy-haven’t-got-the-time…..ness’?
Usually, I will scour the internet whenever I stumble across a new word or phrase with which I am unfamiliar. I search for clarification on meaning and guarantee every time that I will have checked Facebook* at least five times during my search. Not that writers block is a new phrase to me…. you see, before I started writing, it didn’t matter to me. Now I do, it does. BUT…. this time I will not check.
I’m guessing writers block is where you want to write but don’t know what. Or you don’t know how to write what you want…. or how to make an entire post/book about something that you can only manage at this time to fit into a sentence/paragraph. Someone please enlighten me….
I don’t think I have writers block.
‘Can’t be arsedness’ was the more likely culprit; however, I quickly dismissed this. You see, it’s not that I can’t be arsed. More that I have been very busy, or I’ve not actually had the mental stamina to attempt to write a post. Silly me. Now I have the same problem I had a while back: my little black book is bulging. And so too is my urge to write.
I am not suffering ‘can’t be arsedness’.
‘Too-busy-haven’t-got-the-time…..ness’. Yes. This is it, I’m sure. I have been rather busy recently, as I’m sure you guessed when you started to wonder where my lovely ramblings had gone. I’m sorry to have let you down, I’ll try harder in future (Will I though??)
I would love to write more. And I would love to write more coherently too. ‘Coherently’, you ask? Oh, good… you didn’t even notice! I have stated previously that I have a tendency to pour out my lexical bile in a manner most random. What I would like, is the time to pick an idea or note in my little black book and really run with it. Spend the time thinking, researching, analysing and, perhaps most importantly, sharing it.
Unfortunately I do not currently find this time. But I will…. eventually.
How to make more time?
Wrong question wrong question wrong question. It is impossible to make more time. What I should be asking is this:
Cue the bile.
How can I spend less time doing other things? What value am I getting out of my time and activities at the moment? What is preventing me from making good use of my time? What IS good use of my time?
What is good use of my time?
Activities that benefit my health and physical & mental well being:
- Cooking and eating decent meals: fuels the body and mind, prevents fatigue. Not eating properly can result in feelings akin to anxiety and depression. (For me at least; not sure if this is proven as a whole but when I finally get the time…!)
- Taking care of responsibilities: household chores and such like. This reduces stress and provides sense of achievement and aids peace of mind. Who wants to live in a mess!?
- Sleeping. As much of a bastard as it is, getting enough good sleep is essential. By sleeping less, despite being awake more hours, my time is less productive as a whole.
- Focused use of time: Not getting distracted by things, focus on the current activity and goal.
- Recreational activities that provide enjoyment or escapism thus enabling a mental recharge – I do still have to cope with the stresses of my job!
What is preventing me from making good use of my time?
- I spend far too much time travelling for work. This is two hours every day where I am not getting paid, it is actually costing me money and I cannot do anything else while performing this task. Note: I have since addressed this, I start a new job very soon; I will be based at home and all travel time is paid and in working hours. Effectively, I will no longer have a commute. I have scored and extra 10 hours a week. This is practically a whole day!!
- My bed is uncomfortable and I do not sleep well. Note: I have since moved house and now have a lovely large bedroom, my rent is cheaper and the bed is brand new and the most comfortable I’ve ever slept in. Now I sleep well…. I just don’t get enough!
- I am often dehydrated and am not eating enough. Note: I am getting better at this….
- Not enough focus: I allow myself to get distracted too easily. Note: And I am getting better at this too.
- I spread my efforts and energy too thin among many interests. I take on too much at once. Note: This continues to be a bit of an issue and something I am constantly reviewing!
How can I spend less time doing other things?
Commuting is one thing that I have managed to eliminate and is a huge achievement for me; however, this is not practical nor realistic for everyone. What I have learnt, as obvious as it might be, is that if I want more time to put into a certain activity, it means I must reduce the amount of time I spend on other things; that perhaps I need to cease certain activities altogether. This is a question that frequently plays on my mind; what do I sacrifice? What is most important to me?
I still do not have the answer to this just yet.
*I loath to capitalise the ‘f’ as I have a hatred for Facebook, but, it is a proper-noun… isn’t it? I’m sure it is. I never did do too well with English at school. But yes, I hate the sense of importance afforded by this capital ‘f’. It bothers me…. but then I also have a problem with knowingly ignoring a ‘rule’. So much conflict, it hurts. So apparently I have a problem with stress…. I wonder why…
So the time has come to brush the dust off my keyboard. No seriously, I did have to brush the dust off my keyboard. That is how long it has been, but of course you would know that wouldn’t you, being the loyal and dedicated follower that you are. Here, have a cookie.
“So what happened?”, I hear you ask….. good question. Life happened. A lot of it. All at once. They say life is like waiting for a bus; sometimes it’s sunny and nice but there’s this guy listening to his iPod or something waaaay too loud, and you’re all like, geez! I wish that dude would turn his iPod down…. man, I’m hungry, I wonder what I should eat for dinner. Oh yeah, I got that pasta sauce to finish…. hmmm….. what happened to that Parmesan…. oooh, look! That cloud looks like a cat going down a water slide…. that’s strange… cats don’t generally like water. “OI, CAT! GET OFF THAT WATER SLIDE!!”, you shout, much to the surprise of the others waiting for the bus. They take a few steps back; except the dude listening to the iPod. He just sneezes. Probably because his music is too loud. Anyway, I digress…. what was I talking about…. oh yes, life. Life is like a box of chocolates; mostly great until it’s gone, the last few being ever the more precious (Bam! Take that Forrest Gump’s Mum. My analogy beats yours; yours could be applied to a Findus lasagna…).
Life. The final frontier…. oh no… wait, that’s space. (Can you tell I’m tired?)
So I applied for a new job, innit. And I got it, innit. And I moved house, innit. And I found me a person of equal brilliance to hang out with and, erm, cook food with…. and stuff. Innit.
So yeah. That is the short version. But I figured I owed you all an explanation for my absence of late. It will continue for some time, I’m afraid. Work has just got super busy and so has life in general. I should be sleeping but I’m doing this for you, because I care about you. Yes, you!
Reasons why I have not been blogging so much recently:
1. I thought I’d give the other bloggers a chance.
2. My keyboard was sore from over use.
3. My fingers had developed callouses so immense that I could no longer point my index finger at things for fear of it breaking under the weight.
4. Studying for job interviews is time consuming.
5. Moving house is time consuming.
6. Switching jobs is time consuming.
7. Separating sentences that could otherwise be linked as one, in order to increase dramatic effect, is time consuming.
8. Multi-media correspondence with Juggatha has been time consuming. (What? Nevermind…)
9. Sleeping is a good one.
10. Most writing has been in real life, got me one of those new fangled, old fashioned penny-ma-jigs… the kind that looks like a fountain and uses some kind of blueish water….
11. I broke the local internet by trying to upload a video of me to YouTube there was not enough bandwidth to accommodate my supremacy, and it broke.
12. Oh…. and I picked up Dante’s Inferno. Good book. Very good book.
Now I’m going to bed.
I’ll be back soo with something a bit more like the kind of thing I usually write, although there is no usual thing, but never the less this is most definitely unlike the usual ramblings, innit….. is it? I just don’t know anymore…….
Ducking and weaving, I danced jovially through the trees; these poles that guided me this way and that, with sometimes a forceful hand. The occasional scratch went unnoticed, for all the movement and contact hid such things; that is, until I danced my merry way into a mire…
How many times have you heard about the need to pursue your passion?
Sound advice. If you can follow it.
But what if you don’t know what your passion is? Perhaps you have lost touch with what it is like to be and feel passionate altogether… So then, how do you pursue your passion? Well, quite simply, you cannot.
In that case, what you need to pursue, is passion itself.
To get back in touch with that sensation – passion – if you have lost it, is the most important thing you can do for yourself. What is life if lived with out passion?? Nothing but a meager existence; day to day, each the same, placid and numb.
But with passion, you get excitement, zeal and vigor.
Passion can be resisted, and if you should do so, it will get easier until it reaches a point where you forget what it is like to be passionate, about anything. Or anyone. Do that for long enough and when something that would otherwise excite you comes along, the temptation to feel and engage in that passion feels alien and almost inappropriate; confusing in a way, for whatever reason.
Once a person has reached a point of habitually suppressing passion, it takes real conscious effort to re-engage; even for those that may otherwise be, naturally, very passionate.
I was very moved recently by something I read by William Blake in The Marriage of Heaven & Hell; even out of context, I feel it is very poignant:
Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained; and the restrainer or reason usurps its place and governs the unwilling.
And being restrained, it by degrees becomes passive, till it is only the shadow of desire.
This for me has been a revelation and empowered me to seek out and embrace my passions; to rediscover and fully embrace passion itself. And what a discovery I have made. My life has changed and it is continuing to change on the basis of this principal alone.
Pursue passion itself; and the rest will fall into place.
And lo! The hungry serpent doth stir,
Through the void, a winding,
Unbeknownst to thyself,
It doth slither
Through the dark recess of the abyss,
This emphatic and venomous beast.
Devoid of form and of substance,
It hath hunted thee,
For all thine years,
In the shadows of thy fears,
It groweth as thyself doth grow;
A formidable and ferocious adversary.
And in thine ignorant folly,
Through the veil of thy complacent eye,
Thou dost permit proximity
Of this portent predator;
This pervasive and perennial creature;
This devourer of men.
In the darkness far reaching
And so perilously close,
Lit as an illusion
By the fire in thy soul,
With harrowing malice,
The Beast draweth near.
It prepareth thy fate,
With subtle intent but assuredly slick,
Coiled and winding; waiting to strike,
So cometh the embrace,
And the kiss,
Of this timeless and detestable creature.
Now caught and ensnared;
In thy heart a dance
Of a quickening kind,
Stireth thy spirit in triumphant waves,
As head to head, thine eyes lock
In the fiery gaze of the beast.
From realisation cometh salvation;
The revelation of indignation
For this serpentine foe
That hath captured thee,
For thou seeth now the truth;
The truth of this visceral viper.
Thou art locked in the throes
Of a clash with duality;
This serpent naught but thine own tail;
Bid the beast, get behind thee,
Or sever if thou hast the conviction,
Lest the battle rage evermore.